tabby

gee... i just realized something...

2008-09-01T08:44:00.000+08:00

oh no...

this will be officially the FIRST year we (meaning ME, ARDELLE, KHADINE, CORINNE, DULCE, TIFFANY, JAINE and JACKLYN) will not be celebrating birthdays and christmases and all the needed celebrations together.

what a feeling. i don't know if i should be happy or sad. we are really having our own lives now... it's a good thing, i know. but i'm gong to miss our old happy times.

now its only memories.

good and happy memories.

but im thankful for all of them.

There really IS some good left in this world.

2008-07-27T11:41:00.002+08:00

This happened yesterday, Saturday, July 26, 2008.

I woke up at about 9:30 in the morning, still dazed from "helping" out with last night's event, Music fest Quatro. My mom immediately approached me as she saw me sitting up from my bed. She then asked me, "Ate, did you lose your wallet?"

Of course, I said, "huh?"

"No, seriously ate, did you?" she asked again.

"Why pala ma?" I asked, already confused with such question.

"Ate, somebody called about 10 minutes ago, asking me if I knew any Laura Diaz. The lady at the other end of the phone told me her son, a ballot vender, found a wallet at Ponciano St. last night." mom said as she went to the bathroom to wash her face.

I followed her, still half asleep and trying to absorb the information. Thinking out loud, I said, " Hmmmm. Maybe I did ma! I still remember getting my last money from my wallet to pay the cab driver for taking me home. Then maybe my wallet fell as I struggled to pull the net up while I was holding my laptop at the same time… yeah ma, maybe! So the boy just found it outside our house!" concluding the episode last night.

"Funny thing is," mom continued, "the lady said that she was hesitant to tell me of the loss, since there was no money inside, afraid that I might think they stole your wallet. Rest assured, I told them that I knew you really had no money inside your wallet, aside for the small amount of money you said you paid for the cab. Nothing to worry, I told the lady." mom laughed.

Then mom told me that this family lives in Tibungco, just outside Panacan. We can only get it when my dad's free, meaning, we can only get it on a Sunday.

Praise God!! My whole life is in that wallet, my pictures, my license, my PRC card, my claim stab for Cebu Doc and PRC to process my visa screen application! Though there's no money, everything is there!

Want to know something funny? I only got to look inside my bag after I had the conversation with mommy dearest.

There really IS some GOOD left in this world. Praise God for them and their family!

its official.

2008-07-04T19:56:00.002+08:00

its official.

im here in davao for a month now. to the hour.

i have no one.

i dont even have me in me.

he doesn't know

2008-07-04T13:41:00.003+08:00

he doesn't know how badly im hurt now.
i dont want him to know.
but now he refuses to believe im hurt.
know why?
because i keep on chasing the wind. with new friends, new people he doesn't know of. that i don't have time for him. that i dont talk to him. that i clean instead of talking to him. that i go out instead of spending time on the fon with him.
i dont want to accept the truth that we are now just literally a phone call. that your voice is the only thing i can hear. that your pictures should replace your real face.
please let me deny that i cant touch your face now.
let me drown in dreams.
let me cry as much as i want,
let me have a routined life.
but im still me.
just denying the truth.

if you only knew

2008-07-04T13:38:00.001+08:00

if you only knew,
that I still refuse to believe that i'm here and you're there.
if you only knew,
i clean my ass off, OC style, just to forget that i'm cleaning my new home.
if you only knew,
what makes me sleep at night is shedding a tear.
if you only knew,
i go out to forget you're not with me.
if you only knew,
my new friends find it amusing that i keep on talking about you all the time.
if you only knew,
that they can predict that you are my focus point again.
if you only knew,
i speak to them as if you we're beside me.
if you only knew,
everything i'm doing right now is denying that i'm alone.
if you only knew,
i'm changing myself so that the real me will be only for you.
if you only knew,
that despite all the teasing, i admit to all of them when it revolves around you.
if you only knew,
my prayers are for you and us.
if you only knew,
that i wished i was brave enough to face the future.
if you only knew,
i pray all the time that you're here.
if you only knew,
my heart aches for choosing this path, which we know is right.
if you only knew,
i count the number of days till i can see your face again.
if you only knew,
you are the reason why enrolled myself to a gym -- just to feel you..
if you only knew,
you are the reason i brave each day's quests.
if you only knew,
i smile to pretend i'm happy.
if you only knew,
that only your hug can take all the pain away.
if you only knew....

if you only knew these things, i wouldn't be a wreck right now.

yet somehow, even if you know all these things now, i am still a wreck.

i remain a wreck.

torn.

just stupid me again

2008-07-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

So here I am again.

It's almost a month since I left Cebu.

I left my Dan Michael B. Chiong behind.

It's starting to drive me nuts inside. I honeslty do not know what to do. I do not know what to do with my life, the thought of me not having to see Dan, and the fact that I have to put up a brave face all the time.

I have to show them I'm brave. I know, that they know, that I'm crying inside. Oh yes, I've been crying. I think if I wasn't brave enough to cry, I'd be insane by now. Even now, the effort of me holding back my tears, gives my a migraine -- literally. I know I'm brave, I gotto be.

I know too, that my Dan is brave. We both are. We both didn't cry when I left him in the airport. I cried hard though, in the plane. Good thing I was far away from my sister and brother, far away for them not to see me cry and thank you sunglasses. I can finally say that I have a use for one. Guess who who cried? My mother. She saw herself 23 years back, when my dad left my mom in the airport, bound for Cebu.

So I left my Danilo.

I miss him badly.

Back when I was in Cebu, Dan and I would meet almsot everyday. Three times a week, at least. All of sudden, no more. No more seeing Dan. No more fighting him because he was 5 mins late. No more looking forward to our meetings. No more waiting to see his figure appearing when he's almost nearby. No more Dan.

I'm just crushed. I can't describe it -- just crushed.

Long distance relationship's just like being single, you can mingle, yet, one should not do anything to lead another, since one has a boyfriend.

I miss my Dan.

I really hate to blog.

2008-07-01T22:19:00.000+08:00

I am not comfortable with blogging.

I mean, I love to blog. At the same time, I hate it because I tend to just blurt out everything out into the open. That's basically why only a few people know of my site.However, I don't have the luxury of friends listening to my rants about my downs . I don't have my friends now to be my shoulder each time I cry or ask for a hug. I am starting over.

Come this fourth of July, it will be exactly my one month resdiency here in Davao.

I'm a Cebuana. Born and raised. My parents, they're the Dabawenos.

Then just like that, I have to leave. Leave Cebu for Davao, for good.

You see, my grandfather has Bipolar Disorder and has been having mini strokes.He's not deem fit to run the company he has built from scratch. So my dad's next in line since my grandfather has been "training" him all these years. Well, that's what my dad tells me. My grandfather even picked out the course my dad took in college - commerce. So I dare say, it is about time for my dad to "take over the throne".

The sad part is, I am affected with all of these. I didn't like to leave Cebu. Cebu was home; Davao was a vacation. Yet, I had no choice.

Now, I'm here.

I left what I felt was everything to me. Everything naming DAN and my friends.

When I left our house, i didn't even looked back. I already let go. I've let go of everything but the thought of leaving Dan and my friends.The years I've spent with them. Me molded by them, and I, one of those people who molded them back. Even now, just having thoughts about them makes my throat croak, nearing to tears. Here I am in Davao, needing to start over.

I don't blame anyone. It's because I know it's for the best and that what hurts the most -- becaue I understand. It kills me. It kills me that I know that everything happening around me is for the best.

Why can't I stay in Cebu? Why can't they just leave me be in Cebu? To let me continue my life -- to have a job, have a dorm, and make my dreams come true in Cebu?

Here I go again -- As I said earlier, I can't do all these things because I understood my parents' wishes. They wished that I would stay with them before I make a name for myself when I work somewhere out there. They wished that I remain their little girl before they have to really accept the fact that I'm a grwon working girl, and they would only face it when my visa gets approved and I would fly off someplace to work. They only wish for these small things. These small things they say, are the most difficult to comply because it is the easiest to understand. You know what they usually say " the simple ones are usually the hardest". Tell me about it.

Can I just stop being understanding and rebel? I'm sorry but I can't. I would love to, but honest to goodness, I can't.

Here I am, blabbing again. See, this is what I meant about me, hating blogging. I tend to blab. Who reads my crap anyway.

why should i?

2008-05-16T14:19:00.001+08:00

should i really... must go to davao too?

i guess i have to... no matter what people tell me... i don't have a choice... i want to.. but... i still have to go there...

oh well... where will life take me?

I raise everything up to you. my God.

and the countdown begins

2008-03-18T09:23:00.003+08:00

I can't believe it too.

Yesterday was supposed to be a day when we celebrated our long so awaited dinner with Jaine. Of course we had fun, gave out hearty laughs and most especially made new memories to laugh about in the future.

Then khadine stung me. "When are going to have your despedida party, Laur?", she asked. I wasn't able to answer the way I usually answer to those questions. I got tongue-tied about it, answered her that I wouldn't like to have one, but in the end we decided I would celebrate a "last party" with them.

I couldn't help it. This is really it. I'm really leaving Cebu.

Please, let me just deny this fact. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to face it.

Please don't let me.

Depression seeps in.

8 things about me -- tagged by Chin and khadine

2007-11-12T22:01:00.004+08:00

The 8 facts about yourself. You share 8 things that your readers don't know about you. Then at the end you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.

Each blogger posts these rules first.

Each blogger must start with 8 random facts/habits about themselves.

Bloggers who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their 8 things and post these rules.

At the end of your blog, you need to choose 8 people to get tagged and list their names.

Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.

Ok, so here I go… 8 facts about me :

1. I don’t look good in hats.

Makes me look like a man, thanks to my masculine features. Thank you dad.

2. Therefore it’s hard to look feminine in sunglasses too.

Yep, still makes me look like a man. Woes me! Hehehehe J

3.I like to sleep with my feet pat-dry-wet (semi-moist).

It’s a ritual I do before I sleep. I wet my feet then pat them feet dry, but not that dry. I want to remain the coolness of my feet and semi-wetness of it! The way it gets dry with the fan while I try to sleep…. Hmmmmm J

I don’t know, this ritual makes me sleep, along with the next thing I do…

4. I like to move my ankles in circles ( in one direction please! )and let them crack while doing it before I sleep.

Let’s just say, it’s like a stress reliever for me when I do that. Let all the stress come out off my feet! Wahahahahahahahaahha!

5. I sleep with my eyes open.

Ergo, I get dry eyes and stars a lot!!

It’s inherited! Ask my sister what she does while she sleeps… *evil grin*

6. When I yawn, I make this sound.

I can’t describe it. It’s like a squeal turned squeak but deeper, and it only lasts for a second or two. I can’t help it! It happens when I yawn to my content.

7. I was lock-jawed while yawning once… yet.

It happened when I yawned too big ( is that how you describe it?? ), and *click* my lower jaw went out of place! It went to the right and when I realized that I couldn’t move it back, I ran to my parents to help me but to my expense, they laughed ( so supportive, right? ). When they realized I wasn’t joking, they panicked!

I couldn’t remember how my jaw went back tho.. I think my mother tried to calm me down and help me put my jaw back to the proper place. *click* again. Huhuhuhuhu!

8. I like dancing the “hip dance”.

When I’m extremely happy and glee ( ayeeee! ), I do this certain dance….

I just sway my hips from side to side with my hands fisted, neck-leveled…. Just wait till you see it!

I’m doing it right now…. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

sorry guys.... i dont know who to tag!! heeeheeeheee! just have fun reading ok?

when can you say you're depressed?

2007-10-01T11:03:00.000+08:00

When can you say that you are depressed?

Can I say I'm depressed right now...

...even if I know the world is not against me?
...even if I know the Lord looks upon me and takes care of me?
...even if I know my family loves me?
...even if I'm happily in a relationship?
...even if I can really tell who my friends are?

When can you tell?

When...
...a friend don't call or text back?
...a friend leaves you behind?
...a friend insults you to your face even if they think otherwise?
...you know you're insulted but you just let it be because of friendship's

sake?

...you think you're a failure but they tell you, you're not?
...your being scolded by your parent but then says they're not?
...you're too sensitive to the people around you?
...you can't think right and just feel as if nothing seems your way?
...nothing seems your way. Period.
...your sibling talks back at you and your parents let it be.
...you help someone but apparently, your help is not wanted.
...you gather along with so-called-friends and tell you, you've "missed"

some happenings even if you know you weren't informed
or you knew but you weren't invited?

...you just know you weren't invited at all.
...a friend lies to your face though you know it's really a lie.
...you're being blamed for everything that had happened.
...your good works are banished once you've committed just one mistake.
...all you can do is think why this is all happening.
...you know it's all not that bad but still.. still...
...your friend promised to go with you but ended up going with another

person.

...you clearly need help but no one answers your cry.
...you are good at masking your sadness deep inside?
...you know you are not alone.... but you feel you are.
...you know the Lord is always there but still, there's a pang.

Why?

We do know that things happen for a reason... can it happen without depression?

Fear and Choosiness

2007-09-26T07:23:00.000+08:00

I can't help myself.

I just had an argument with my mother pertaining the food my sister's going to bring to school, for lunch, while my mother would be on a trip to davao, celebrating her mother's birthday.

We argued because she was already telling me not to serve my sister foods that we're typically our lunch meals because "she was sick of it already." I questioned my mother why she would allow my sister to choose other foods than the meals served at breakfast, which we're ready for lunch too. Thinking to myself, though there are times that we could choose or ask if we could have this certain meal for lunch the next day, we didn't, or more specifically, I didn't have that privilege to pick my foods for lunch everyday.

I raised that view to mother. She told me because I wasn't picky with the foods I bring to school. That any food that was presented there on the table, I would still eat. To those who don't know me, I was fatter in my earlier years because I was always forced to finish my food whether I liked it or not. I told her that wasn't true. I told her I would tell her at times, back then, what I wanted to eat the next day, but she wouldn't allow me those foods. Then she told me it was just like me hating eating okra or ampalaya. It's the same with my sister, she doesn't like to eat those foods for lunch anymore.

I told her it's nothing like that. I was forced to eat those foods day by day by day. She insisted that I like them.

I can not explain to her what I felt. The memories of my earlier years came rushing in. I lived in fear back then. Even after my mother changed, I still lived in fear of her. I can not explain to you all what my fear was. It's just plain fear. I'm not saying I was brutally physically abused by mother. I was just "punished" all the time. If I didn't follow what she liked me to do, I was punished. But not as grave as the stories of battered children out there. Again, I can not explain to you the extent and to top it off, I had ADHD. It's between me and my mother. It's the past. It's hard to open up a box you forced yourself to close.

It hurts because I can not tell my mother how I felt. I know she won't understand. Even as we argued, she didn't understand.

My sister was... let's just say, I was the experimental child rearing while my sister was the actual thing... but now, with less... more than 50% less of what had happened to me. That is why I can't stop comparing myself to her. My sister never believes what I say because whenever I tell her something mom wants us to be or do, she can get away with it, because she never felt the pressure of doing it out of fear. I'm not saying she wasn't punished. She was just punished lesser than me or when her attitude was grave enough that she had the guts to do it to our mother too, which was always the last person she tested the waters on.

Ergo, her pickiness ( if there's such a word) with food stayed. Mom just let it stay with her.

So that is what I mean I can not explain my feelings to my mother. It may also be out of jealousy. I won't deny it. I am jealous. I'm jealous of my sister regarding so many things in life. One of them is this. The privilege of choosing the food she wants to eat.

At the same time, I'm thankful too that my sister never lived in fear and experienced all the things I went through. Heck, I don't want anybody to feel what I felt.

It's just that sometimes, she's not aware how lucky she is. I just want her to listen to me. I want my mother to listen to me.

Fear is different and totally far off from being choosy.

My name is LAURA --> ( lawr-uh )

2007-08-20T09:43:00.002+08:00

[ lawr-uh ]

[ aw ] all, or, talk, lost, saw

Say it out loud. That is how you should pronounce it.

It pisses me when someone insists of another. Especially when they insist of the wrong thing.

I came inside an optical store, wanting to buy a pair of contact lens. Note, I've been a customer of that optical store ever since it opened its branch there. I have a very thick, I mean very thick, record there already.

I came in there, all smiles, asking the newly promoted saleslady (assuming that she was just given that regular job since it would be my first time to see her face in that store) for a pair of contacts for me and my sister. Did you know what she told me? "What contact lens?" A little miffed, I told her the ordinary kind, the clear ones. She then asked me what kind again. Annoyed now, I told her to look at me and my sister's records. Told her our names, April and Laura [lawr-uh] Diaz.

For crying out loud, it took her 5 minutes to get back to me. That's way to long to be the last and only customer left in their store. Yes, she came back, with only one record! My sister's!! Then in a flat tone, tells me that I have no record there. At this point, you can see the irritation in my face. "That's IMPOSSIBLE!", I told her. "I've been a customer here for years." At the back of my mind, I wanted to tell her I've been a customer here longer than she was a saleslady there. Stupidly she asked me, "When was you last check-up here?" I told her that was early this year and I just bought glasses with it and been buying contacts since forever here. Stupid lady.

So she goes back to the record cabinet, and in another 2 minutes, I had it. I looked for Doc, who I call "Doki" and asked her "Doki, what's my grade again?" She said to me, "What? Isn't in your record? It's there. Where is it?" I pointed to the stupid saleslady saying, "She said I don't have a record here. I do doki, right?"

"Of course you do, Laura [lawr-uh] Diaz, right?", she asked. "Yes doki", at last someone who made sense. In less than 5 seconds, she gets my record and says my name again "Laura [lawr-uh] Diaz", showing it to the stupid saleslady, "Here it is."

The nerve of that saleslady! You know what she said? "Doc, that's Laura [lao-ra OR [ ou] out, loud, how]!"

Hearing it, I was really angry now. "What??!!?? That is my name! It's Laura [lawr-uh]! That's how you pronounce it, lau-ra [lawr-uh]." The nerve. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

She gave me this sly laugh and smile, trying to cover up her mistake. The doctor gave a disapproving laugh, if you know what I mean and this time everyone, meaning all the staff, were in the customer desk, looking at her and shocked with what she just had done.

As she came close to me, she even tried to put her fault at me. "You said it was 'lawr-uh'."

"Yes, my name is Laura [lawr-uh]. That is how you should pronounce my name."

To really rub it to her coconut shell , "If it's 'Lao-ra' for you, it's not. It should be pronounced as 'law-ruh', ok?"

I gave myself a deep breathing. *sigh*......

Forgiving her stupidity, I broke the ice. "C'mon miss, you know you were wrong. Give it a break. As long as from now on, it's 'law-ruh' ok? Let's leave this behind."

So I left there with a smile, not disrespecting anybody, saying 'thank you' and leaving that stupid lady with what dignity left to her.

I'm not leaving it behind, that's why I had to write about it.

Please, if your name was insulted like that, wouldn't you be pissed too?

I hate...

2007-08-20T09:43:00.001+08:00

I'm not really a hater. It's just that things have been happening lately and I'm completely bummed about it. I have no room to breath my silent rage so typically, I'm writing it.

I hate...

**stupid people.
I do! Don't you? They make you more stupid to begin with. Unless they do try to get what you teach or tell them, that I give credit to.

**stupid people trying to use their stupidity to get away from responsibility.
Seriously, haven't you encountered such? Secondary gain people! I do hate this darn excuse. Personally, I know a few and it makes me boil when they tell me they can't do it 'coz their "dumb". Using such thing! In the first place, if they would try, they wouldn't be dumb to begin with!!! grrrrr.... thinking about them make me red again!

However, I don't get mad at them that easily. Patience is really a virtue. I say.

**people who put you down.
Everybody's enemy right? Almost everybody who sees me for the first time thinks I'm in high school or just beginning college. What a way to put you down. I'm not saying its a disadvantage, seriously, It's a blessing for me to still look you at my age but that doesn't give people the right to put you down because they think you don't know anything.

Example:
There was a time I was fitting a pair of heels I really had a crush on. Good thing my father was around, so I grabbed the opportunity that he would buy it for me. So there I was, in the shoe store, fitting these sandals and the available size was too small for me. So I asked the saleslady for a bigger size. Looking at me, she gave me a really crooked english and eventually gave me a bigger size 5 mins later. As I fitted into them , it was a size bigger too! I looked at under the sandal, where they usually put the sizes and there where 2 types of sizes. The first was encircled and was in the 20's and the one below it was underlined, now in the normal size range. I compared the two sandals, skeptical that there must be a size in between, hence I discovered the sizes! The first sandal, the one a size smaller, was 22 and 7 and the second was 24 and 8. So I asked the same saleslady for size 23. She gave me this "you-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about-and-you-are-wasting-my-time" look and spoke to me in a really crooked, high and mighty, trying hard english, saying that there was no such size. I was still patient at that time to her. I showed her the sandals but she wouldn't even look at me and the sandal sizes! She still gave an answer that was right. I was ticked and ticked I can be, I played her game. Spoke to her in PROPER english, telling her and shoving the sandals to her face, indicating, again in proper english, that there was size there. Good thing for her, her manager cam to her rescue! I was right, there was such a size. Aha! I scold her bad and so did her manager. Victory for me!

**people who try hard too much to put you down.
The example above is enough said.

**it when I catch someone lying to me.
...even if the evidence is right there to their faces, still, they deny it! Oh c'mon!
The funny thing about it? They keep on denying it, OR, let's say, not tell you but they ended up telling everyone or posting it anyway for the whole world to see! Sometimes it gets into my nerves. Why can't they just tell you the truth? It's as if I would get mad at them. They have their own lives too. It's the lies that hurts me and make me want to get away from them. I'm good at this, avoiding people, trust me on this one.

**being alone.
A good avoider as I can be, I do get lonely. This is the time when I get annoyed as I catch people lying to me. The brain does wonders and as a self-proclaimed ADD, my mind feeds on everything I think. Even the slightest hatred or love, I feed on it that emotion. The more I feed on it, the more I get lonely.

**hating.
don't you? It aches a lot. You can't get rid of it. You have to fight it. Subdue such feeling. I hate hating. It hurts especially if you're the only one doing the hating and the other party doesn't know it.

Oh well, I do think there's more to hate but as of now... this is it.

My Visual DNA

2007-08-20T09:42:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

i think...

2007-08-20T09:40:00.000+08:00

i really do think im a failure...

in exams
in relationships
in friendships
in life
in goals
in my future
in my past everything
in everything yet to come

enough said...

i need to find me... i need me... i need... GOD.

I've lost a friend...

2007-08-20T09:39:00.002+08:00

I just realized, the moment Armi Leslie D. Te walked away and through the glass doors going to the departure lounge, I lost a friend.

I lost this dear friend of mine last July 6, 2007.

It sounds like she died right?

She left for Taiwan and then, this coming July 26, she'll be leaving for Texas. Yep, the states. We don't know if we'll see each other after 6 months since she's going there as a tourist. She's taking NCLEX there, and if God wills, she can directly work as a nurse as soon as she passes.

I'm not saying I'm against her leaving us here. Of course not! I'm so happy for her and she knows that very well. It's just that....

It's just that it finally hit me, just now, that's she not here anymore. We do talk in ym at times but it could never rival against our talks we had face-to-face. Our moments. Yes, our moments. She was, well, one of the few people I could really turn to and talk. True talk. With all the cryings , laughter and the tulo-laway. Oh yes, that's how stupid we could be at times. All those just in one sitting! She walks in and sleeps here anytime she wants as if she's really a member of this family, a privilege given to her by my parents, which she took by heart.

Really, she's become a sister to me. Even my sister thinks the same way.

It's starting to get to me that I don't have her by my side anymore. That sucks big time.

Now, I am one (friend) less of a:
laughing partner
prank partner
eating partner
shopping partner
sleeping partner
crying partner
ranting partner
bible study partner
lifetime partner (joke!)

We did so many stuff together, she is truly a part of my life.

Leslie, I'm missing you already... so hurry up and come back here If you can... pls... :)

Poems thats going nowehere...

2007-08-20T09:39:00.001+08:00

A hole underneath me
to deep to see
If I let them--
I'll drown, just wait
No hand to catch
No one to grab unto
But then I'm falling
to a hole underneath me

--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--

Come near to me
I won't hurt you
Come near to me
I'll care for you
Come near to me
I'll hug you
Come near to me
I'll cry with you
Just don't come near to me
If you'll just hurt me

--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--

I thought you're for me
I thought you were my friend
I thought you'll always be there
until the very end
I thought you'll see me through all
together we'll win this by--
Oh well, silly me.
For I just thought and nothing more.

Social Butterfly

2007-08-20T09:36:00.000+08:00

Aug 8 at 6:01 pm...

Sitting at the second row from the LCD screen, I looked at my friends who were all clustered at one side. Just at one side. In a cluster. Where am I again? At the second row from the LCD screen.

They all look so happy. No problems whatsoever. Safe with each other's company. Feeling a touch of envy, I tend to ask myself why. Why am I not with them? Why am I not laughing with them? Generally, why am I unhappy and envious now?

Sure, I go to them during break time and talk to them during our study hours, but why do I get this feeling that I'm not just good enough for them? It's as if even if I tried my very best, I still couldn't be part of them. Their little group.

I'm so jealous right now. Why do I feel I'm this lonely? No matter how much I try to put myself out there to them, still, I feel left out.

In the first place, I chose to be here, in this seat. I want to learn. I'm not saying that they're not learning, but still, I know myself enough to sit away from people I'm prone to talk all the time to. They are friends and I get excited to talk and talk when I'm with them. Every after the class ends, "poof", they're all gone. Every single one of them. Not even a goodbye. Maybe I'm just too slow. I'm jealous.

So now, as I get to think again, is it my fault for being here and them being there? People say I'm a "Social Butterfly". They say I'm so lucky for being such. Believe me, it's more envious for me to see people being happy from afar. That feeling. I can't touch it. I can't feel it. I can't grasp it. In the end, the said social butterfly is alone.

Really --- I am.